What Happiness Looks Like (Promises) Read online

  Jake removed his sunglasses, revealing the tiny scar just below his right eye, the scar he’d received as a child from his cousin’s wayward fishhook. He extended his long arm, fingers splayed open. “You must be Anna. I’m so glad to finally meet you.”

  Anna placed her tiny hand in his and shook it, even though Joely didn’t know if she had ever shaken hands before. Such a formal, grown-up custom. Anna was more into hugs.

  The silence in the foyer nearly suffocated Joely.

  “Where do you want to go?” Jake finally asked.

  Joely explained that Anna loved a nearby farm that had been converted into a petting zoo.

  “Hopefully it will warm up soon.” Jake stuck his hand in his coat pocket, pulled out and jingled his keys. He looked at Anna. “Have you ever ridden in a BMW before?”

  Anna jumped up and down, even though she probably didn’t know why she was supposed to be excited. “Can I, Mom? Please?”

  Joely reached in the foyer closet and pulled out her wide-brimmed hat. Eyeing her cane, she chose to leave it behind. Her body felt pretty good today. “If your booster seat will fit.”

  He pointed toward her hat. “What’s that for?”

  “The sun bothers me sometimes.” She knew better than to share the inconveniences of lupus with him.

  Even though Jake offered, Joely finagled the booster into the back of the shiny black car all by herself. Then she sat next to Anna. Joely didn’t want to sit next to him. He could be their chauffeur.

  He revved the engine like a teenaged boy showing off. He checked the rearview mirror for a reaction, seeming pleased when Anna’s eyelids widened.

  Joely could see that Anna wanted so badly to like him.

  Once at the zoo, they fed the ducks in the pond. It was one of those sunny but windy days that hinted spring was on its way. They kept zipping and unzipping their jackets to stay comfortable. After petting some baby chicks, they went to the goat area, which smelled like manure. Anna pinched her nose.

  Jake paid for a bucket of food then opened the gate for Anna to go in. His gaze fell toward his polished loafers. “I think I’ll wait out here.”

  Even though Joely wasn’t surprised, a wave of anger surged through her. Didn’t he realize that spending time with your kid meant your shoes might get dirty?

  Anna marched confidently toward the center of the fenced area and Joely trailed close behind her. Anna threw some of the pellets onto the ground. “Here, goats. I have treats.”

  The goats pushed and shoved each other when they saw that Anna had food. One gray goat climbed on top of the back of another goat in an attempt to get closer. The goat slipped off. Undeterred, it climbed up again and started chomping on Anna’s long braid.

  “Ow!” Anna cried.

  Joely tried to extricate her daughter’s hair from the goat’s mouth without tugging it, but it wasn’t working. The goat kept chomping, pulling hair out of the braid.

  “Ow, ow, ow!” Anna flailed the bucket in the air, spilling food onto the dirt. This lured even more goats.

  Joely’s hat fell off her head and she let it go. “I’m doing the best I can, sweetie.” She tried to push the goat away with her hip, but the goat wouldn’t yield.

  Anna got knocked to the ground and screamed. The goat nibbled at her back while Joely pushed it away. From out of nowhere, Jake wrapped his arms around Anna and hoisted her into the air. Finally, Anna was free. He placed her on the ground outside of the gate just as her face turned pink.

  Joely hurried to be next to her. She sat on a wooden bench and pulled her daughter onto her lap. “It’s OK. That was scary, but you’re alright.” Anna buried her face in Joely’s neck and cried. Joely glared at Jake. “What took you so long?”

  “Sorry. I went to find a drinking fountain.”

  Glancing over her shoulder, Joely searched for her straw hat. She chuckled and pointed. “Look, they’re eating my hat now.” Anything to distract Anna.

  Anna caught her breath and paused to watch two goats playing tug-of-war with Joely’s hat.

  Fidgeting, Jake kept tucking his hands in and out of his pockets. “What do you want to do next?” He pointed toward a whitewashed fence. “It looks like there are pigs over there. How would you like a piggyback ride to look at the pigs?”

  Joely held her breath. Was Anna ready to be that close to Jake?

  Anna seemed to think it over, then snuggled against Joely’s chest. Joely searched for a tissue in her purse but it was filled with prescription bottles. She used her shirt to wipe Anna’s tears. A better mother would’ve had tissues, she thought.

  After a few minutes without sobs, Anna seemed ready to continue with their day.

  Jake squatted down and offered for Anna to climb on his back. “Time to saddle up.”

  As if torn between two great choices, Anna twisted her mouth to the side. She twined a piece of her blond hair around her index finger. Finally, she reached her arms out and wrapped them around Jake’s neck. Once Anna was on, Jake strode across the gravel path, looking like a giant with a tiny, giggling head.

  Joely lamented that she hadn’t been strong enough to carry Anna since she was a baby. Sometimes she watched the other mothers carrying their children in the park or at the end of the school day, and she burned with envy.

  Jake leaned forward and pretended he was going to drop Anna in the pigsty. She clung to his forehead and squealed with delight. He tipped again. “Whoa!” he teased.

  That’s what dads did. She’d read about it in parenting magazines. They teased and challenged and pushed their children, while mothers coddled and worried. The articles said that each parent balanced out the other, for the benefit of the children. After all of these years of women saying they could do it all on their own, conventional wisdom held true. Kids with two loving parents were better than those with only one.

  But did Jake love Anna? Was he capable of love? Kate would say no. She’d be furious to know they were together right now. Not that Joely cared what Kate thought. Kate thought she knew so much about being a mom, but no one knows how hard it is until they do it for real.

  After Anna saw and touched all of the animals, Joely washed her hands off with the antibacterial gel she’d brought along in her satchel. At least she’d remembered that.

  “Does this place have a gift shop?” Jake asked. “I want to get AJ something.”

  AJ? Blocking the sun with her hand, Joely squinted at him. He was already giving Anna a nickname? “Anna doesn’t need you to do that.”

  He smiled. “I want to.”

  Anna pouted. “Mom, you never get me anything at the gift shop.”

  Embarrassed by her poverty, Joely pointed toward the wooden shed that the owners had converted into a souvenir shop. Her jaw clenched. She didn’t want Jake to step in and be Anna’s hero quite so easily. He should have to work at it harder.

  Jake took Anna off his shoulders in order to enter the building. Once inside, Anna ran from one stuffed animal to the next. She loved them all—the baby chicks, the spotted cow, the barn owl.

  The last thing that girl needed was more stuffed animals, Joely thought.

  “Polly wants a cracker,” a red and green battery-operated parrot squawked.

  Anna picked up the bird. “Oooh. Can I have this?”

  Jake patted Anna’s head like you would a puppy. “Sure. Anything you want.”

  Cringing at the way Jake was easing his way into Anna’s vulnerable heart, Joely looked at the price tag hanging from the toy claw. Fifty dollars. “It’s too much.”

  He shook his head. “Not at all.”

  “You don’t have to buy her affection, you know.” That was more his mother’s style. Spend money rather than time with your family.

  Ignoring her, he turned his attention toward a table in the corner. “Wow. Look at this.”

  She and Anna came closer and saw a wooden chessboard with carved animals for pieces. Jake picked up one that looked like a bear on its hind legs. “I’ve never seen a s
et like this.”

  Jake’s dorm room in college had a marble chess set that he and his roommate kept in a perpetual state of play. On a shelf, he’d lined up the king and queen from other chess sets he’d left at home—sets made of glass, ivory, silver and even gold.

  “They’re beautiful,” Anna said.

  Jake admired another piece, a mustang. “Do you know how to play chess?”

  Anna sucked on the end of her hair. “No.”

  Remembering the goat incident, Joely gagged a little and patted Anna’s hand so she’d let go of her hair. It was a nervous habit she rarely displayed.

  Jake’s gaze shifted from the chess piece to Anna. “Would you like me to teach you?”

  Grinning, Anna nodded.

  “Don’t make promises,” Joely warned. He was setting Anna up for disappointment and she hated him for it. Who knew when he’d be back?

  He picked up the chessboard and carried it to the cash register.

  “Adding this to your collection?” Joely asked him.

  “No. This one is for my favorite little girl.” He smiled at Anna who beamed in return.

  An old man wearing overalls and a John Deere cap stood up from a seat behind the counter. “I carved these myself.”

  Opening his wallet, Jake pulled out a Visa card. “They’re amazing.”

  The man wrapped the pieces in sheets of newspaper, making crinkling sounds. “Each one, except the rooks, represents an endangered animal. To remind us not to take God’s creations for granted.”

  Jake tightened his lips and offered a stiff nod. Joely wondered if he was thinking about his own loss. How he’d always taken people for granted.

  On the car ride home, Anna made up a song while playing with the chess pieces like they were characters in a play. Though she loved Anna’s soprano voice, Joely felt a headache throbbing in her temples. She’d had too many hours of Jake starring in the role of Father of the Year.

  The chess set had cost even more than what the talking parrot would have cost. She didn’t want Anna to mistake Jake’s generosity for dependability.

  Anna stopped singing. “Mom, guess what! I have grandparents! Dad said they live in Michigan. That’s not too far, is it?”

  Pressure compressed her forehead. She scowled at Jake. Don’t get her hopes up, she tried saying telepathically.

  He stroked his beard. “My parents can’t wait to meet AJ.”

  Joely cringed. “Her name’s Anna Jo.”

  “But in my family, we always call the kids by their initials. I was JR until I went off to college.”

  Joely suddenly wanted to shoot JR.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  JOELY

  Despite her misgivings, Joely let Jake come over the next day after Kate and Mitch went to run errands. When the big hand pointed to the twelve and the little hand neared the five, Joely had explained to Anna, Jake needed to go. “Oh, you mean at five o’clock?” her little genius had replied.

  While father and daughter sat on the floor in Anna’s room, Joely stood at the bottom of the stairs, eavesdropping. “To win at chess, just like in life,” she heard him explain, “you have to think farther ahead than your opponent.”

  Life isn’t a competition, she wanted to say, but hated for them to know she was listening. Eventually their conversation dwindled to one-word comments like, “No”, “Think”, “Good”. Joely moved to the living room and dropped her body onto the couch. She quickly lost herself in the stillness.

  The clock on the mantel chimed five times, waking Joely from the nap she hadn’t realized she’d been taking. She bolted upright and made her way to Anna’s room. “It’s time for your dad to go.” She kind of liked saying “your dad”.

  Anna held a small wooden horse in her hand. “Aww, Mom. We’re just getting started.”

  Joely shook her head. “I’m sorry. Aunt Kate and Uncle Mitch will be home soon and I need your help making dinner.”

  “Just a few more minutes, Mom. Pleeeease.”

  Joely couldn’t say no to Anna. Kate had pointed out this weakness many times. “OK. A few minutes.” She walked to the kitchen and selected the recipe for cashew chicken. She pulled some mixed vegetables out of the freezer and looked in the pantry for rice. There wasn’t any. She saw rolls and raisins, but no rice in Kate’s overly organized pantry. She let out a sigh. Chinese food needed rice.

  She reconsidered her choice of dinner, but her thinking remained fuzzy.

  Then she heard the garage door lifting. Oh no. She grabbed the railing and called up the stairwell. “Jake, you have to go now.” But it was too late.

  The door from the attached garage swung open with a squeak. Kate carried a gallon of milk in one hand. “Who’s BMW is that outside?”

  Joely faced her sister. “Don’t be mad.”

  Kate set down the milk and hung her purse on the designated peg. She turned around and her forehead creased. “Why would I—”

  Jake came down the stairs and waved with a wide swoop of his hand. “Hi, Kate. Long time no see.”

  Kate’s chest rose. Redness spread from her neck up to her face. “What’s he doing here?”

  Joely chewed on her bottom lip, aware that Kate was definitely mad. “He’s teaching Anna how to play chess. Isn’t that great?”

  With his usual flair, Jake offered Kate his you-can’t-help-but-love-me smile. That crooked grin had probably gotten him out of a lot of jams with the ladies. But Kate was immune.

  In fact it looked as if Kate were trying to poison him with her return expression. “Jake Mahoney, get out of my house. You’re not welcome here.” At that instant Mitch came in from the garage. He started to speak, but seemed to change his mind. He dropped two grocery bags onto the counter.

  Jake came nearer to Kate. “Now, don’t get all wound up here. If Joely can forgive me, I think you should, too.”

  Joely shook her head. “I don’t think I ever mentioned forgiveness.” No one acknowledged her mumblings.

  Instead, Kate held her palm up like a traffic cop in Jake’s face. “Don’t tell me what I should do. I will never forgive or forget what you did to my sister. And God only knows what permanent damage you’ve done to my niece’s psyche by showing up suddenly after five years!”

  Joely noticed Anna standing in the hallway, staring at them, her mouth agape. Joely’s pulse shot up as she summoned her firm, I’m-in-charge voice. “Anna, go upstairs.” Once Anna disappeared, Joely’s attention returned to her sister and her tone softened. “Come on, Kate. This is Anna’s dad. Can’t we—”

  Cutting her off, Kate crossed her arms. “No, we can’t. He’d better leave. Right now.”

  At five foot two, her sister probably couldn’t convince a Chihuahua that she was a force to be reckoned with and Jake had an extra twelve inches towering over her. But Joely wanted to shield Anna from all of this. She’d never once bad-mouthed Jake in front of her; who knew if she were listening in?

  Joely scowled at Kate. “And you always said I’m the overly dramatic one.” She glanced at Mitch who looked like he wished he were still wandering the aisles at Kroger. Too bad. He owed her. “Aren’t you going to do something? After all, this is your fault.”

  Always a stand-up guy, Mitch slipped his arm around Kate’s waist. “Let’s give Joely a little privacy. This is a family matter and we shouldn’t get involved.”

  Kate pulled away and eyed Mitch warily. “What does she mean about this being your fault?”

  He offered a remorseful glance toward Joely. Signaling Kate toward the garage to gather up the rest of the groceries, he lowered his voice. “Come with me. I’ll explain everything.”

  Frazzled, Joely escorted Jake to the front door. “Sorry about this.” She found Anna lingering nearby at the bottom of the stairs. Her daughter studied them, as if watching Mysteries of the Universe.

  Jake offered Anna his hand and instead of shaking it, she high-fived it.

  He smiled at her. “Remember to keep your king castled and think about the endgam
e.” He slipped on the Ray-Bans that he kept in his shirt pocket. “I’ll see you.”

  “But when?” Anna whined.

  Joely couldn’t stand to hear the sadness, the longing, in Anna’s voice. Thanks to Mitch sticking his nose where it didn’t belong, Anna had started to bond with Jake. It wasn’t fair to rip them apart so soon. Or ever.

  A sigh escaped Joely’s lips. “Maybe I can bring her over to your hotel tomorrow when she gets out of school. If you’re still going to be around.” She heard Anna exclaim, “Yea!”

  He nodded and walked out the door.

  Joely sent Anna to her room and went to find Kate. She discovered her sister had taken over for her in the kitchen while Mitch put away the groceries. Once the refrigerated items were taken care of, Mitch slipped out of the room.

  Her sister frowned. “I hope you realize he’s going to rip your daughter’s heart out. She’ll probably have trust issues with men for the rest of her life because of him.”

  Joely placed her hands on the cold granite counter, looking over the boxes of cereal Mitch had abandoned. “I know I’m taking a risk, but he says he wants to be her dad and she needs a dad.”

  Kate violently pulled the sharp knife through the poultry. “I hate him. I don’t like what he did to you and I can’t stand to think he’s going to mess up Anna now, too.”

  She bristled at the insult. “I’m not messed up.”

  With one hand, Kate tossed chicken bits into a bowl of cornstarch, causing a puff of powder to rise. “You haven’t gone on a date in five years.”

  Dalton’s face flashed in Joely’s mind, but she didn’t want to think or talk about him. She had Jake back. At least Anna had him back and that consumed her. Why start over with someone else when her daughter’s father was here?

  Kate slammed down the wooden handle of the knife. “Jake is not welcome in my house. I told Mitch that, too.” She shook her head. “I don’t know what he was thinking—giving Anna Jake’s address. If you want to get hurt by Jake, that’s your mistake, but I don’t ever want to see his smug face again.”

  Kate’s house. Kate’s rules. What was Joely? A child who had to ask Kate permission to live her own life?