What Happiness Looks Like (Promises) Read online

  He sighed. “That isn’t fair, Kate. Of course I want you.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Just think about it.”

  She picked up one of the bookends that looked like a miniature glass globe off the floor. She’d purchased it at a quaint little bookstore in Paris on her last vacation with Mitch. At the time she hadn’t known the fertility treatments would drag on as they had, forever eliminating vacations from their budget.

  Sierra may have survived the mishap, but the beautiful globe had hit the fireplace brick and cracked. It looked as though a giant fault line ran through North America all the way to South America.

  Kate rubbed her thumb across the tragic flaw. She might not ever make it to Paris again. And she might not have a baby either. It was a lose-lose situation. “I can’t believe she broke this.”

  Mitch stroked her bobbed hair. “I know it meant a lot to you.”

  His touch no longer comforted her. Nothing did. She stepped away and busied herself trying in vain to right all of the wrongs in her living room.

  Rebuffed, he walked back into the adjoining kitchen, the wooden floor creaking beneath his feet. He seemed to shuffle around for a few minutes, opening cabinets, tidying up. Then she heard a heavy door open. He cleared his throat. “I’m going out for a bit.”

  Her head whipped around. “What? Where?” It was nearly midnight. This wasn’t like him. “If you’re hungry, there’s still some cake.”

  His shoulders slumped. Not bothering to grab a coat, he headed out the door. “I need some time to think.”

  She rushed to the door he’d just exited. She jerked it open and saw him climb into the bronze minivan, the one he’d bought the first time she’d gotten pregnant. Before miscarriages became expected. “Are you mad?”

  He gave her a serious look, closed the van door and started the engine.

  She watched him drive away. Did she do something wrong? She’d simply told him how she felt. Honesty couldn’t be wrong, but. . . .

  He’d left her once before. Would he do it again?

  CHAPTER TEN

  JOELY

  Joely stayed in bed the first time the doorbell rang even though she knew she was the only one home. Probably someone selling something or UPS delivering a package. Either way, she wasn’t going to move. For the third day in a row, she hurt all over.

  Someone knocked and a vaguely familiar male voice called, “Joely? It’s me. Dalton.”

  She cracked open her eyes. It had been another restless night.

  He rang the bell again.

  Why wouldn’t he go away? It was as if he knew she were home. She sat up, a flash of pain in her back. Damn. Crawling toward the window, she managed after much effort, to open it an inch. She called down to him. “I’m sick.”

  He held up a grocery bag, his dark hair peeking out from under a cowboy hat. “Let me in. I brought you breakfast.”

  Wanting nothing more than to stay in bed all day moving the heating pad from one joint to another, she contemplated his offer. She needed to eat before she took her meds and there was no way she had the energy to fix anything. In the end, she knew she’d only feel worse if she skipped breakfast. “Give me a minute.” She gingerly slipped into her silk robe with the lace trim that usually made her feel like a Hollywood starlet. It had been a gift; she never would’ve spent the money on something so expensive.

  Clutching the handrail, she slowly made her way downstairs. Her mind told her to hurry, but her body fought her every step of the way. Razor blades stabbed at her knees. “Coming!”

  After what seemed to her like too long of a journey, she barely opened the door. She was embarrassed for Dalton to see her so disheveled. With her naturally curly hair untamed, she probably looked like the Bride of Frankenstein. And who knew if her face was all splotchy. She should’ve checked in a mirror first. “What are you doing here?”

  “I saw that your sister brought Anna to school.”

  She noticed the wind thrashing against the maple tree out front. A bird feeder hanging from one of the branches swung from side to side. “I don’t feel good today.”

  “I know. Kate said you were under the weather. So I decided to offer you a little TLC.”

  She hated for people to see her when she was sick. “It’s not what you think. I don’t have a cold.” She didn’t really want to say what she did have. When was the proper time to mention that you had a potentially fatal disease? It would certainly put a damper on things.

  He raised his eyebrows, pleading with his warm, brown eyes. “How can you turn down a free meal?” She hesitated, but finally pulled the door open all the way and ushered him in.

  He removed his hat, hanging it on the antique coat rack that stood in the foyer. “Where’s the kitchen?”

  She pointed him toward the big room with granite countertops and copper pots hanging from a wrought-iron rack. She hobbled behind him, hoping he didn’t notice. He unloaded his groceries—two ripe bananas, a tiny crate of strawberries and a tub of vanilla yogurt. He found the blender tucked into the corner and pulled it out.

  After she eased herself down on a barstool at the island, she watched him from behind as he sliced the fruit. He looked slim in his plaid shirt and blue jeans. A moment later, the blender whirred. He pulled a glass from the cabinet above his head (thanks to her guidance) and poured.

  She took a sip of the drink as soon as he placed it before her. “Yum.”

  “Whenever my son gets sick, I always make him a smoothie. He likes blueberries in his, but Kate told me you aren’t a big fan.”

  Pleasure warmed then tickled her insides. He’d been asking about her likes and dislikes. “What about you? You like blueberries?”

  He nodded and turned back toward the blender.

  The room fell silent. She liked to keep conversations flowing, to make people feel at ease. But being her usual bubbly self was a challenge when her body ached. She said the first thing that came to mind. “Anna really loved the painting class.”

  “What about you?” He poured himself a glass and stood across the island, facing her. “You helped me and you helped Anna, then didn’t have time to paint anything of your own.”

  She thought of the blank paper. She didn’t feel cheated, she felt relieved. Avoidance served her well. Maybe not well, but it made things easier. “It was no big deal.”

  He put his glass down on the granite countertop. “They have the class every weekend. Want to go again?”

  It was nice to have an activity she could do with Anna and Dalton. She definitely wanted to see more of him, even though inevitably, he would lose interest. The truth was, she hardly ever thought about her lack of coupledom. She had devoted herself to Anna and to helping Kate around the house as much as possible, to earn her keep. (Although Kate’s high standards of cleanliness made her hard to satisfy). Men were a distant memory. Just like jogging or painting or going dancing with her friends. Her current life felt like a temporary layover—only she didn’t know where she was going.

  He leaned on his forearms, coming down to her eye level. “What’s wrong? You have a sour look on your face again.”

  Tapping her nails against the glass, she took a deep breath. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for Anna to get too attached to you.”

  “Why not?”

  Nervous and embarrassed, she tried to flatten her mussed up hair. She rubbed her knee, both for comfort and to buy time. “Because it will break her heart when things end between us.”

  He narrowed his eyes at her. “We’re barely getting started and you’re already planning our breakup?”

  “I’m being practical.” She rubbed her other knee, thinking she should take extra pain pills after he left. Unfortunately, they made her feel like a zombie.

  “Is this because of her father? Because I’m not like him. I would never lose contact with my child. I don’t know what kind of person could. Sharing my life with my son is the most important thing I’ll ever do.”

  Of course this had to do with
Jake. If she believed Kate’s version of events, the love of Joely’s life had cut and run when he’d found out about her condition. Even carrying his child hadn’t been enough to keep him interested.

  Dalton circled around the island, coming near enough that she could smell his fresh, woodsy scent. He pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. Her heart thudded inside her chest. She wanted to close her eyes and savor his touch, but she didn’t dare. Don’t get used to this.

  He leaned toward her. His breath warm on her lips.

  She almost lowered her eyelids, but jerked back instead. “Don’t.”

  “I’m sorry. I haven’t done this in a long time.” He took a few steps away and shoved his hands in his jean pockets. He turned his back to her and gazed out the window. The sky was overcast and the wind chimes banged in cacophony. “I thought you liked me.”

  “I do like you, but. . . .”

  He twisted his neck toward the island. His forehead wrinkled as he studied her. “Is this about the baggage again?”

  She nodded.

  He moved a little closer. “Would it help if I shared one of my dirty little secrets with you? I’m sure I look like Superman to you right now, but I’m really more like Clark Kent.” He pulled a pair of round glasses out of his shirt pocket and slid them on his nose. “See?”

  He was like Superman with his strong dimpled chin and protective nature. But was she Lois Lane? No, Lois Lane had a job, she had spunk. She didn’t live with her sister.

  He sat down next to her and hooked the heel of his cowboy boot over the bottom rung of the barstool. “I know it’s hard to believe, but I used to be shy—not the sexy, ladies’ man you see before you today.” His lips curled into a smile as he tucked his glasses back inside his pocket. “I married the first woman I slept with.” Glancing down, he shook his head. “I loved her. After five years, she bailed. Said she fell in love with someone else. She dumped me and dumped our son, too.”

  “That’s terrible.”

  He rubbed the tan line on his ring finger. “Every time we ate dinner, I’d notice her empty chair. When I took Ryan to the rodeo, I’d miss holding her hand. Everything reminded me of the family that we used to be. That’s why I left Oklahoma. To start over.”

  She noticed the regretful look in his eyes as he talked about his failed marriage.

  A few minutes later, he sighed, as if to let it go. “Now your turn.”

  “Brace yourself. I mean you already know that Anna’s dad has suddenly reappeared. But. . . .” She didn’t want to say it. She didn’t like to tell people because she still couldn’t accept that lupus controlled her life. But look at her, in her pajamas, too sore to drive her own daughter to school.

  He studied her face. “Tell me. I can handle it.”

  Probably not, but that would save them both heartache later. She took a cleansing breath like she’d learned in meditation class. “I have. . . lupus.”

  His eyes widened, shock flashed across his face. “Isn’t that. . .”

  “Fatal? It can be, but not so much anymore. To be honest, there isn’t a cure.”

  Staring at his clasped hands in his lap, he looked solemn. “Damn. You win.”

  She blinked a few times. Didn’t he mean to say, ‘I’m sorry.’ That’s what people usually said. That and ‘But you look healthy.’ She tilted her head. “Excuse me?”

  He glanced up at her. “You win. Your baggage is heavier than mine.”

  She burst out laughing as if her body desperately needed it. She had never laughed about her diagnosis before. It felt good.

  He propped his elbow on the counter. “What can I do to make you feel better?”

  “Nothing. I mean it was sweet of you to come over and make me breakfast.” She lifted her glass in acknowledgment, hoping she wouldn’t lose her grip. “But I understand that this is more than you bargained for.”

  “Hey, I’m not going to run out on you like my wife did to me.”

  “But I’m not your wife. We just met and you just got divorced. I think you should go date other women and not latch on so quickly.” How ironic that she was giving someone advice on how to move on.

  “Joely, I like you. Why don’t you let down your guard so we can get to know each other?”

  “Because it’s not only about me. I’m a mom and dating involves too much risk.”

  He waited a beat then stood. “Maybe I should go. I can show myself out.” He headed toward the foyer where he’d left his hat. “But I’m not giving up on you yet.”

  She dared to smile at his back.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  KATE

  Just before Mitch walked in the door, Kate deleted another message from Evan on the answering machine. She didn’t need Evan screwing things up anymore than they already were. Last night she hadn’t been able to fall asleep until she’d heard Mitch come home. She’d waited for him to crawl into bed next to her, but he hadn’t. Instead, he’d slept in the empty guest bedroom.

  Now she glanced up at him and thought he looked a tired. “You’re not working late.” She hated how it sounded accusatory rather than sweet. When did she turn into such a shrew?

  He dropped his briefcase in the large archway between the kitchen and living room. His face remained stoic as he scanned the room, probably to make sure Anna wasn’t around. “I’ve been thinking. I want to have a baby with my sperm and a donor egg. At least then the baby will be partly ours.”

  But it wouldn’t be theirs. It would be his. “I hate the idea. If we’re going to spend that kind of money, I want to try in vitro again. I read about a doctor in Chicago who offers five IVFs for the price of four. I want to try whatever it takes, over and over again to make my own baby. Our baby.”

  He shook his head. “Four IVFs? That’s sixty grand! We don’t have that kind of money. We’d probably be richer and be having a lot more fun if one of us had a gambling habit.”

  She pursed her lips. They’d never worried about money. Mitch was an engineer and she earned a smaller, yet decent, paycheck as a counselor specializing in children. “Can we at least try one more round of IVF?”

  “That’s what I’m saying. Only use a donor egg.”

  Her fingers squeezed into fists. “What about borrowing the money from your parents?” She knew it was a mistake as soon as she’d blurted it out.

  His brown eyes narrowed. His chest puffed up. “Absolutely not. I’m forty years old. I am not asking my parents for money.”

  His dad had never supported any of Mitch’s ideas. Not since Mitch chose computers over football, fixing antique watches over rebuilding a ‘67 Mustang, and not since Mitch took a job out of state rather than working for his dad’s construction company. Mitch’s mom, however, would probably do anything for a chance at a grandchild. She’d loved being a stay-at-home mom and Mitch was her only child. She’d hinted many times that she wanted someone to knit booties for and sing lullabies to. She’d make a wonderful grandmother.

  Kate studied her DIY French manicure. “There has to be a way we can afford this.” She had cut back on expenses, but maybe she could do more.

  He loosened his tie and unbuttoned his top button. “We could charge your sister rent.”

  She sighed. “She can’t work. You know that.” She figured there were periods when Joely could work, but her good days were so unpredictable. Where would she find a job that flexible? “Besides, you shouldn’t pick on my sister when your parents could easily afford to help us out.”

  He pulled his tie upwards as if it were a noose around his neck. His eyes closed, his tongue stuck out.

  Neither of them laughed.

  JOELY

  “Today you get your wish.” Joely wrestled with Anna’s frizzy hair to pull it into a French braid. Her shoulders remained tight, even though she’d seen Kate and Mitch leave twenty minutes ago. Mitch would probably think this was evidence that he’d been justified in giving Anna Jake’s address and Kate would definitely give Joely a hard time. “Remember this is a secret. Don
’t tell Aunt Kate or Uncle Mitch, OK?”

  Anna nodded, her reflection in the bathroom mirror grinning. She had a gap where she’d lost her first baby tooth in the top row. (She’d been a little disappointed when the Tooth Fairy left only two coins under her pillow. Many of her friends had richer, more generous Tooth Fairies at their houses.) “I can’t wait! I can’t wait! Do you think he’ll like me?”

  “Your dad will like you because you’re a phenomenal little girl.” Joely layered the left section of blond hair over the middle, pulling tight.

  “Ow.” Anna jerked. Joely apologized and Anna returned to their conversation. “What are we going to do?”

  Right strand over the middle, left over the middle, pull taut. Almost done. Thank God her joints were working today. For some reason, she wanted Anna to look her best when Jake saw her for the first time. “I already told you, we’ll go to the zoo. And I’ll stay with you the whole time in case. . . .” Why had she hinted that this might not go well? She needed to put on a happy face for Anna’s sake.

  “In case what?”

  In case you’re uncomfortable being around your own father. Or in case Jake decides he isn’t up for an all-day outing with a five-year-old. She wrapped the neon yellow elastic around the end of the braid three times. “I meant that the three of us will stay together.”

  “Like a family.”

  Joely flinched. She hoped she was doing the right thing. More importantly, she hoped that Jake was ready to do the right thing.

  When the doorbell rang, Anna sprinted to answer it. No fear. Ah, to be five again. Joely hurried behind her. Through the narrow window outlining the door, Joely spotted Jake, sporting Ray-Bans and a windbreaker. His sunglasses alone probably cost more than Joely’s entire outfit. He stood stiff, well aware that he wasn’t exactly welcome. She opened the door.

  Suddenly shy, Anna pressed her body against Joely’s leg. Anna craned her head back to see his face. “Are you my dad?”